Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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