My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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