That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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