I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
