My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
