Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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