Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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