you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
