she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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