Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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