she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize