Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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