DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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