I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
