I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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