if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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