Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
