I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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