why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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