just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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