You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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