my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
