the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We talked him into tasing himself.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
