This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
