when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
