Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
