Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
