I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
