just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
