All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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