Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
