if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize