i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
