If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
