My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
