I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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