i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
