Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
