The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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