closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
