yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
