Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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