I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
