my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
