the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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