I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
