I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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