What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
