she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
