I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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