You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
