I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
