i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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