So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
