Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
