swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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