Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
