you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
