I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
