i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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