I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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