Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
